My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
