I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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