Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
