i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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