I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
