How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
