I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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