How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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