Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
