May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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