problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
