This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The power of my boobs compel you
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
