Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
