"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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