i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
