You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
