Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
