My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Randomize
