either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
