gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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