I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
