She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
