It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
