I hate your face
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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