I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
There r osticjed everywhere
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
