i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
COCAINE IS GR8
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
