Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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