when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
