my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
