Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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