go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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