his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
