the new term for farting is butt boxing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
