He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
