He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
