I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
