She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
