And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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