So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
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How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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