I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I met the friendliest cop last night
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
