dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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