Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
