he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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