I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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