david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
