she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
