Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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