I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf