I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Even my vagina gasped.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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