Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize