It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
