Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
