my phone needs a breathalizer
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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