today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
