I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
