When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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