my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
