Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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