omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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