Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
