i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
